Thursday, May 18, 2017

Humor for Humans

Some humor to tickle your funny bone.

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” George Carlin

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." Erma Bombeck

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." Zsa Zsa Gabor

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." Elayne Boosler

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" Linda Ellerbee

“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.” G.K. Chesterton

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” Woody Allen

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” Will Rogers

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.” Garrison Keillor

“It's too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” George Burns

You know you're getting older if:
·         You wear black socks with sandals.
·         Your Pacemaker makes the garage doors go up when you see a pretty girl.
·         Your ears are hairier than your head.
·         You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
·         People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
·         You have a dream about prunes.
·         You answer a question with, "because I said so."
·         Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws.
·         You look forward to a dull evening.
·         Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
·         You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
·         You are proud of your lawn mower.
·         You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
·         You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
·         You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
·         You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
·         The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
·         Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
·         You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
·         You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Annoying things to do on an elevator:
  • Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.
  • Lean over to another passenger and whisper: 'Noogie patrol coming.'
  • When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'
  • Greet everyone getting on the elevator and ask them to call you Captain.
  • Do Tai Chi exercises.
  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger and announce: 'I've got new socks on.'
  • Moan from behind others: 'Oh, not now, motion sickness.'
  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce 'this is my personal space.
  • Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to others.
  • Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'
  • Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  • Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  • Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'
  • Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: 'Shut up, all of you.'
  • Open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
  • Meow occasionally
  • Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops.'

“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.” Groucho Marx

I'm just killing time while I wait for life to shower me with abundance and an earthy woman who has the same sense of humor and enjoys cleaning. BB

Quote for the Day -- "Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.” Stephen king

Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and where a closed mouth gathers no foot.

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