Saturday, December 23, 2017

The Santa Dimension

When I was about five years old, I was excited to learn that Santa Claus was going to appear at my house early on Christmas Eve to personally hand Christmas gifts to my little brother and me. My parents explained that Santa was doing this as a special treat for us since we didn't have a chimney.

Sure enough, Santa showed up.

Although he was an hour late, according to my mother, I was thrilled to see him. I quickly rushed outside into the cold Wisconsin night but stopped several feet short. Something wasn't right. Santa was clearly wearing a mask on his face. I asked him why he was wearing a mask and he told me it was to keep warm.

Later that holiday season, I overheard a conversation between my parents whereby I learned it was my grandfather pretending to be Santa and that my mother was very upset with him for showing up late and drunk.

When my mother realized I had discovered the great Santa deception, she explained that Santa had so many houses to visit that evening that he didn't have time to make special stops and that my grandfather was just pretending to be Santa to make us happy.

Once again, being a young innocent squirt, I bought the explanation. My grandfather was always a great guy, drunk or sober, and I appreciated him for stopping by on such a cold night just to please my brother and me.

A few years later, in the second grade, I was hanging out with a couple of my buddies during recess. Usually we would shoot marbles behind a big oak tree so our teacher couldn't see us. Mrs. Henderson didn't like it when her boys would participate in games of chance, especially when marbles would change hands.

Instead of playing marbles, we got into a discussion about Santa Claus. There had been some speculation that Santa Claus didn't really exist so the three of us tried to figure it out logically.

Duncan Jones was the brains of the group, Vinny Gagliardi was ever so inquisitive, while I was more action oriented, preferring to play games of chance (marbles) rather than attempting to fathom the unfathomable.

It all started when curious Vinny came up with a series of intriguing questions.

  • How does Santa visit so many houses on a single night?

  • How can he get all those presents in his sleigh?

  • How can reindeer fly?

  • How does a hefty guy like Santa manage to slip down a chimney and get back to the roof?

  • What does Santa do when there is no chimney?

  • How does Santa know whether you were naughty or nice?

  • And so on and so on.

Duncan made some quick calculations. He figured if there were a billion houses and Santa took only a minute per house, or 60 houses per hour, it would take about 17 million hours, not counting flying time.

Then there was the flying reindeer problem. Duncan and I were fairly certain reindeer couldn't actually fly, but Vinny wasn't so sure. He had seen an elephant fly in a Disney cartoon and it looked feasible to him.

Soon a light bulb went off just above Duncan's head. Suppose there was a parallel universe. Santa could pop in and out of our reality almost instantaneously while doing most of his work in a parallel dimension. This would impose an anomaly in the continuum of time and space whereby a few seconds of our reality could be a year of Santa reality. This could also explain the reindeer problem. They don't actually fly -- there're merely transported to our reality directly onto the roof and disappear the same way. Santa makes his way into the house in the same manner.

Apparently, according to Duncan, it's simply a matter of hyper-dimensional travel between simultaneous planes of existence.

The bell rang and we had to go back inside where Mrs. Henderson made us print the alphabet all afternoon. She wanted to make sure we slanted our letters at the proper angle. Mrs. Henderson always emphasized penmanship and seating posture, but had a phobia about teaching math. Numbers greater than 20 made her nose bleed.

It's strange how so many parents are unaware of parallel dimensions. They tell their kids the most ridiculous tales to make up for their lack of knowledge about the anomalies of the continuum of time and space.

Merry Christmas y'all.

Quote for the Day – "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked me for my autograph." Shirley Temple

Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a couple of dogs and many fond memories of Christmas Past.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Chrtstmas Stuff

The winter solstice is upon us. Time to be with friends and family, to eat, drink and be merry, to give thanks for another joyous year on Planet Earth, and to watch a lot of football.

Once upon a time, three wise men traveled from the east, following a bright star, and wound up in a stable in the little town of Bethlehem. There they presented a newly born baby with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh -- once again proving that men have no clue when it comes to purchasing Christmas presents.

Gold is a heavy metal, frankincense is a liquid fragrance used in embalming and myrrh is a pungent resin that comes from a gum tree. There is no child on this planet that yearns for stationary metal objects, delicate fragrances or pungent resins. They'd rather play with the box it came in.

If it had been three wise women instead, they would have asked for directions along the way and arrived early. Then they would have helped with the delivery, had a potluck dinner and cleaned up the stable afterwards. And the gifts would have been more practical, such as a blanket, a pair of booties and a box of Huggies.

*  *  *

The three stages of man are:

1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.

*  *  *

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for a burglar named Dwight.

“Santa Claus is watching you,” said a voice from the corner of the room.

The burglar froze. He shined his flashlight everywhere but saw no one. Cautiously, he took another step.

“Santa Claus is watching you,” the voice said again.

Suddenly, Dwight spotted a parrot sitting on a perch in the far corner of the room.

“What’s your name?” Dwight asked the parrot.

“Santa’s Helper,” the parrot said.

“What sort of idiot would name a parrot Santa’s Helper?” asked the burglar.

“The same sort of idiot that would name a 190-pound pit bull Santa Claus,” the parrot told him.

*  *  *

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas Eve, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon, they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, driving conditions deteriorated whereupon the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

QUESTION: Who was the survivor?

ANSWER: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no Santa Claus and no perfect man, the woman must have been driving. This would explain why there was an accident.

* * *

Santa Claus has a different persona in the Redneck South where he's known as Billy Bob Claus.

Santa Claus is a fat guy with a beard wearing a bright red suit -- Billy Bob Claus is a fat guy with a beard wearing camouflage.

Santa Claus says, "Ho, ho, ho." -- Billy Bob Claus hollers, "Yee haw."

Kids leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus -- kids leave Slim Jims and a Bud out for Billy Bob Claus.

Santa Claus rides in a sleigh with bells -- Billy Bob Claus rides in a Dodge pickup with a gun rack.

Santa Claus has reindeer pulling his sleigh -- Billy Bob Claus has a deer mounted on his wall.

Santa Claus always lands on rooftops -- Billy Bob Claus sometimes lands in a ditch.

Santa Claus slides down chimneys to get inside -- Billy Bob Claus uses a crowbar.

* * *

Republicans became Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. -- Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

There will be no nativity display scenes in public view in Washington D.C. this holiday season. They were unable to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol, although there were plenty of jackasses to fill the stable.

Christmas is like any other day at the office. You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

* * *

Myths die hard -- we need them to overcome the paranoia of the narrow confines of our perceived reality.

Christmas, like many other holidays, has its share of historical inaccuracies and myths.

For example, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was not one of Santa’s reindeer and didn’t live on the North Pole.

In fact, he was invented in 1939 by Robert L. May, a copywriter for Montgomery Ward department stores, as a promotional gimmick. By 1946, a total of 6 million copies of the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer booklet had been distributed to Montgomery Ward customers.

May’s brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, developed the lyrics and music for a Rudolph song which was recorded by Gene Autry in 1949. The song sold 2 million copies that year alone and went on to become the second best-selling record of all time, second only to “White Christmas.”

However, May’s original story differs from the song lyrics.

According to May, Rudolph lived in an ordinary reindeer village considerably south of the North Pole. Even though he was taunted for having a shiny red nose, his parents were not embarrassed. They brought Rudolph up in a loving home and gave him a high sense of self-esteem.

Santa delivered presents to their house one night during a thick fog. Impressed by the glow of Rudolph’s shiny red nose, Santa chose him to lead his team of reindeer to complete his rounds.

This brings to mind other Christmas myths.

MYTH #1 -- Santa Claus is a fat man in a red suit.

  • Not true.

  • He's fairly thin and usually wears boxer shorts with a tank top around the house.

  • He just dons multiple layers of clothing to keep warm in late December, when zipping around the night sky in an open sleigh.

  • Santa’s delivery outfit is bright red to protect him from trigger-happy sportsmen – he doesn’t want to be mistaken for a flock of geese.

MYTH #2 -- Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.

  • Not true.

  • He lives in Canada, halfway between Medicine Hat and Moose Jaw.

  • The North Pole is a large block of ice, populated by three polar bears and a wayward penguin.

  • Canada is a lot like the North Pole – it's cold and nobody ever goes there.

MYTH #3 – Santa has a bunch of little helpers called elves.

  • Not true.

  • They're mostly vertically-challenged (short) Swedes.

MYTH #4 -- Santa Claus climbs down chimneys to deliver his presents.

  • No longer true.

  • He once did climb down chimneys but got stuck several times in Colorado where legislation in 1969 required all chimneys to contain filters.

  • In 1970, Santa reverted to using doors and windows, but he was busted in 1972 in Hackensack, New Jersey, for breaking and entering.

  • Ever since then, Santa has used the Star Trek method of teleportation whereby his molecular structure is disassembled on the rooftop and reassembled directly in front of the Christmas tree.

  • This way he's guilty only of entering but not of breaking, usually a misdemeanor in most places.

MYTH #5 – Santa Claus likes to have some cookies and milk waiting for his arrival.

  • No longer true.

  • In 1983, he developed a gastrointestinal infection while hovering over Thailand.

  • Too much curry, causing a bad case of diarrhea, which can be quite a dilemma while flying through the air in an open sleigh.

MYTH #6 – Kids will get presents that reflect the latest craze.

  • Not true.

  • There is no latest craze.

  • Remember Cabbage Patch dolls, Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtles and Tickle-Me Elmo? They were the latest craze for about fifteen minutes.

  • By the time the kids open presents, the latest craze will become a closet relic.

  • If you want to give your kids a gift that has some worth, give them something that will get them out of the house, like a bicycle or a chainsaw.

MYTH #7 – Santa knows who has been naughty and nice.

  • Not true.

  • That's the CIA, FBI, NSA, NWO, DEA, IRS, ATF, CFR, KGB, MI6, MJ12 and the Jehovah Witnesses who are keeping tabs on everyone.

  • Santa has enough to do without spying on you.

MYTH #8 – Santa’s reindeer are named Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen.

  • Not True.

  • Those are only nicknames to make it easier to come up with Christmas jingles.

  • Their real names are Clark Kent, Fox Mulder, Harry Potter, Joe Sixpack, Elmer Fudd, Snoop Dogg, The Donald and Cher.


Quote for the Day – "Christmas isn't a season -- it's a feeling." Edna Ferber


Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

JFK Assassination Revisited -- November 2017

On November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas.

Over the years, I've researched the JFK assassination and have formulated my own conspiracy theory about this nefarious tragedy, far beyond a lone gunman named Lee Harvey Oswald, based upon a bizarre sequence of collateral events.

The two biggest conspiracies in our lifetimes, if true, are the assassination of President John F. Kennedy and the cover-up of the presence of extraterrestrial beings on earth.

Kenn Thomas, author of a book titled MAURY ISLAND UFO: THE CRISMAN CONSPIRACY, points out a remarkable string of coincidences that may actually tie the two conspiracies together. According to Thomas, a man named Fred Crisman played a central role in these seemingly unrelated events.

On June 21, 1947, an airplane pilot named Kenneth Arnold spotted what he described as “flying saucers” over Mt. Rainier in the State of Washington, launching the modern UFO era. The term “flying saucer” soon became part of the UFO lexicon. There were many UFO sightings later in 1947, including the famous Roswell crash incident.

Four people, including Harold Dahl and his son, also witnessed the UFOs from a salvage boat in a nearby bay. They reported seeing six doughnut-shaped craft, about 20 feet in diameter, hovering high above. Five of the craft formed a circle surrounding a craft in the middle that was wobbling badly. The seemingly damaged craft suddenly dropped down about 700 feet, spewing two substances – one was a paper-like metal that floated in the bay and the other was a hot, steaming, black sludge that rained down, striking Dahl’s son and killing his dog.

Dahl reported these events to Fred Crisman, a man he believed to have some connections in the intelligence community. Crisman subsequently went to Maury Island to investigate the incident whereby he found a great deal of both materials on the shore and recovered some for himself.

Crisman shared his experience with Ray Palmer, a magazine publisher, who then hired Kenneth Arnold (the original pilot) to investigate further.

Three days later, Arnold had more sightings, culminating with a woman who had recovered some unusual material in the same vicinity and subsequently turned the material over to FBI agent Guy Banister.

Capt. Lee Davidson and Lt. Frank Brown, U.S. Air Force investigators under the command of Gen. Nathan Twining, soon joined Arnold in retrieving debris on Maury Island. Ultimately, Crisman was compelled to turn over his own samples to the two Air Force investigators.

Classified documents, eventually discovered under the freedom of information act, also indicate that Crisman turned additional samples he had held back over to CIA agent Clay Shaw.

In his 1968 investigation of the JFK assassination, New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison claimed that Guy Banister and Claw Shaw were involved in the plot to kill JFK, and that Fred Crisman may have been one of the gunmen.

In 1969, Fred Crisman was subpoenaed by Jim Garrison to testify in the case against Clay Shaw in the JFK assassination. According to many JFK assassination researchers, Fred Crisman was one of the three so-called "hobos" or "tramps" who were picked up in the nearby railroad yard near the grassy knoll immediately following the JFK shooting, then released shortly thereafter.

Some interesting coincidences occurred between the JFK assassination and the 1947 UFO cover-up. Both included Guy Banister and Clay Shaw.

In 1943-1952, Guy Banister was FBI “Special Agent in Charge” in the Pacific Northwest, later transferred to Chicago. Upon retirement, he opened a private investigative office in New Orleans where he occasionally hired Lee Harvey Oswald in a variety of capacities.

In 1963, former CIA agent Clay Shaw was the director of the International Trade Mart in New Orleans, a CIA front organization. He later went to trial as one of the co-conspirators in JFK’s death but was found not guilty by a jury. Key evidence linking Shaw to the assassination was not permitted by the trial judge.

The world is full of strange coincidences and possible conspiracies in high places.

In September of 1964, the Warren Commission Report declared that Kennedy was killed by a lone-gunman named Lee Harvey Oswald.

Fifteen years later, the House Selection Committee on Assassinations concluded that Kennedy “was probably killed as the result of a conspiracy” but “was unable to identify the other gunmen or the extent of the conspiracy.”

Based on the information detailed in CROSSFIRE by Jim Marrs and FIRST HAND KNOWLEDGE by Robert D. Morrow, it seems likely that the conspiracy involved organized crime.

Carlos Marcello was the mob boss of New Orleans. In the spring of 1961, the new U.S. Attorney General, Robert Kennedy, had Marcello handcuffed and put onto a plane to Guatemala City with no luggage and very little cash, based on an immigration violation claiming that Marcello had obtained a false Guatemalan birth certificate.

Marcello was eventually flown back to the USA by his personal pilot David Ferrie, vowing to get even with the Kennedys.

Allegedly, Marcello and David Ferrie (a,k,a, "The Professor") devised a plan that included placing blame on a “nut” for the assassination of the U.S. President, Robert Kennedy's brother.

David Ferrie, Marcello's private pilot, had been Lee Harvey Oswald’s Civil Air Patrol leader.

The thrust of the plan was to make it look as though Fidel Castro was behind the killing of the American President, thereby inciting the U.S. government to attack Cuba, eliminating Castro who had forced the mob casinos in Havana to close.

Santos Trafficante, the south Florida mob boss, a close associate of Marcello, had been in the casino business in Cuba and even jailed by Castro for a period of time. Mobsters Johnny Roselli of Miami and Sam Giancana of Chicago were also involved in the plot.

Trafficante set up two men who thought they were working for the CIA to assassinate Castro and had them sent to Cuba. Through Johnny Roselli, Castro was tipped off that the CIA was sending these two men to kill him. The two men were then captured in Cuba and forced to reveal they were CIA operatives.

On September 7, 1963, Castro told Associated Press reporters that he was being targeted for assassination by U.S. government leaders who “could find their own lives in jeopardy.”

During this entire period, Lee Harvey Oswald was being manipulated by associates of Ferrie in New Orleans to appear to be a pro-Castro wacko.

The trap had been set.

Manipulated into the role of a patsy, Lee Harvey Oswald had been covertly utilized to shift the blame of the Kennedy assassination to Castro. Plus, Castro had recently made statements to the press that he was being targeted by the Kennedy Administration, further fanning the flames.

Thus, according to mob plans, when JFK was killed, Castro (through Oswald) would be targeted for invasion by the USA whereupon the mob would get their Cuban casinos back and get the Justice Department (headed by Robert Kennedy) off their backs.

However, when JFK was assassinated in Dallas several things went awry. Oswald was to have been killed in the confusion but managed to escape.

Oswald was later killed by Jack Ruby to silence him and close the case.

The FBI and the CIA both wanted the case closed as quickly as possible to avoid embarrassing entanglements.

The new President, Lyndon Johnson, wanted it closed quickly to avoid a possible catastrophic confrontation with Cuba and their cold war ally, the USSR.

Thus, the lone gunman nutcase became the quick official remedy.

Jack Ruby, the Dallas mob connection, was the key lynchpin to the conspiracy.

In its investigation of the assassination of JFK, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared that Jack Ruby's murder of Lee Harvey Oswald as a primary reason to suspect organized crime as possibly having involvement in the assassination and that Jack Ruby was connected to Sam Giancana, head of the Chicago Mob. In its investigation, the House Select Committee on Assassinations also noted the presence of "credible associations relating both Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby to figures having a relationship with Marcello's crime family or organization."

Just prior to the JFK assassination on November 22, 1963, Jack Ruby made contact with Marcello, and another Mafia leader, Santos Trafficante, about a problem he was having with the American Guild of Variety Artists concerning the female performers in Ruby's nightclub. Jack Ruby also visited New Orleans that summer-- Lee Harvey Oswald also was in New Orleans during that same time frame.

Jack Ruby made more long distance phone calls to known mobsters (Trafficante, Marcello, etc.) during the two months prior to the assassination than he had made the entire previous year. In addition, Johnny Roselli met with Jack Ruby twice just prior to the assassination.

When the Dallas police chief was answering questions at a press conference shortly after Oswald was arrested, Jack Ruby (from the back of the room) loudly corrected him (captured on audio and video) as to which Cuba freedom organization Oswald had belonged. According to the mob plan, it was imperative that Oswald be portrayed as Pro-Castro, thereby placing ultimate blame on Castro as being behind the assassination.

Jack Ruby then killed Oswald to end any further investigation.

Scheduled to testify before Congress, Johnny Roselli was found dead in an oil drum floating in Biscayne Bay near Miami.

Sam Giancana had helped JFK get elected President, later to be subjected to Robert Kennedy’s organized crime taskforce. Five days before Giancana was to testify before a senate committee on CIA-mob assassination plots, he was shot in the back of the head.

A few days before David Ferrie was scheduled to meet with the New Orleans district attorney to discuss the JFK assassination, he was found dead (unsolved murder) in his apartment. Just a couple of hours later, Eladio del Valle, a known Ferrie collaborator, was brutally murdered in Miami.

Dead men tell no tales.

On October 26, 2017, many of the John F. Kennedy assassination files that had been kept secret for many decades were released to the public, with more files to be released later pending review by various federal agencies. This will undoubtedly lead to a renewed interest in various conspiracy theories about what really happened on November 22, 1963, in Dallas.

There have been many conspiracy theories, involving numerous diverse plots and various participants, including the CIA, Cuban exiles, rich oil barons, Lyndon Johnson, the Illuminati, Russia, Vietnam War mongers, UFO researchers, Knights of Malta, Club of Rome, radical Muslims, John Birch Society, Freemasons, the Federal Reserve, Bilderbergers, right wing zealots, inter-dimensional demons, Pindar, the ghost of John Wilkes Booth, etc., etc.

It all started in New Orleans. Carlos Marcello was livid after being humiliated by Robert Kennedy abruptly shipping him off to Guatemala on an immigration violation. Other mob bosses were upset about losing their Cuban casinos and being targeted by U.S. Attorney General, Bobby Kennedy, who had declared war against organized crime. Plus, members of organized crime had backed JFK as president through their influence with labor unions. Key members of organized crime decided to fight back, by eliminating President Kennedy, which would also rid them of Bobby Kennedy.

According to FBI wiretaps, Carlos Marcello confessed to the assassination. Marcello in New Orleans and Jack Ruby in Dallas had a tight connection. Some of the dancers in Ruby's strip club were brought up to Dallas through Marcello's organization. Ruby was a hot-tempered, emotional, egomaniac who had an allegiance to organized crime, from his early days in Chicago and later to Dallas.

Jack Ruby had a gun running operation in the Florida Keys to Cuba. George Faraldo, the manager of the Key West International Airport, told investigators of the Senate Select Subcommittee on Intelligence that he had witnessed Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald together at the Key West airport, waiting in a plane boarding area for a flight to Cuba, in the summer of 1963. The arriving plane had been delayed for several hours -- Oswald and Ruby had been seen briefly chatting with each other on occasion. Faraldo saw Lee Harvey Oswald board the plane but did not see Ruby get on the plane and did not know if he had boarded.

Also, Lee Harvey Oswald and police officer J.D. Tippit (supposedly shot by Oswald shortly after the assassination) had been seen together with Jack Ruby, just one week prior to the assassination, at Ruby's strip club.

If you closely examine the sequence of when Oswald was being escorted out of the basement of the Dallas Police building on November 24, he appears to recognize Jack Ruby (obvious eye contact and body language) for a brief moment, then quickly turns away -- a couple of seconds later, Ruby steps forward and shoots Oswald.

Some of witnesses to the killing of Dallas police officer J.D. Tippit claimed that two men were involved in the shooting and neither one of them was Oswald.

The Parkland Hospital staff in Dallas believed the white flecks visible on the X-rays of JFK's head suggested that the shooter of the fatal head shot (which forced JFK's head to the left and backward) used a mercury-tipped, frangible round, which disintegrates into tiny pieces upon impact -- perhaps a professional assassin's bullet fired from the grassy knoll.

Craig Roberts, former U.S. Marine sniper and author of KILL ZONE; A SNIPER LOOKS AT DEALY PLAZA, declared the following at a conference in Dallas in 1997 -- "I'll tell you what I saw, as a sniper. I saw a guy hit from the right front, with a frangible mercury bullet."

Carlos Marcello had an office on the Airline Road in New Orleans. On the wall of the office was a sign that read "Three can keep a secret if two are dead." If you're going to organize an operation to assassinate the President of the United States, you need to also eliminate any middle men who could be linked to the organizer(s).

Much, much more to go into here, but sometimes less is more.

Plus, additional items will come out now that the documents have been released.

But it's a conundrum that may never be resolved.

In November of 1963, I was a sophomore at the University of Minnesota at the time. I heard about it on my car radio, on the way home from college classes. It was a very sad day in American history and the nation still yearns for answers.

Dead skunk in the middle of the road and it stinks to high heaven.

Quote for the Day – “A man may die, but an idea lives on." John F. Kennedy

Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and the ghost of Jim Marrs.