Feng Shui for Rednecks

Feng Shui is a Chinese term that means “the wind and the water.” Pronounced “fung shway,” it’s the ancient Chinese art and science of correct placement. Probably more art than science. Basically, it’s all about life force energy called “chi” and how it flows through a house or office. According to Chinese philosophy, when the wind is soft and the water calm, it brings harmony in your life.

Practitioners of Feng Shui believe that if you arrange your furnishings in a proper alignment with nature and decorate in a certain soft manner, it will attract harmony, prosperity and good health into your life.

Vera Marie Kostelnik, a Feng Shui consultant, gives the following dozen tips in a recent issue of Feng Shui News.

1) A bubbling water fountain near the front entrance sets a tone of tranquility for guests
2) Plants soften corners
3) The color red brings good luck
4) A tank of nine goldfish near the front door increases prosperity
5) Soft colors, candles and flowers create a peaceful state of relaxation
6) A crystal hung in a long hallway creates better energy flow
7) Objects in the bedroom should be placed in pairs to increase marital bliss
8) The bed should be in full view of the door, but not with the foot of the bed facing the door
9) In the kitchen, using all stove burners increases the flow of money
10) Placing a mirror behind the stove doubles the income
11) Bamboo flutes hung from exposed beams counteract oppressive energy
12) Mirrors expand the perception of space

In the Ozark Mountains of northern Arkansas, where all the beautiful people live, we have our own special way of aligning and decorating our dwellings. Instead of Feng Shui, we call it “Redneck Shui” -- the art and science of casual living.

Reba Clodhopper, a local Chi Master and taxidermist, has a dozen tips for the next issue of Redneck Shui News.

1) A straight path between dead cars near the front entrance sets a tone of tranquility for guests
2) Piles of trash in corners eliminates corners
3) Any color you can spell brings good luck -- all three of them
4) A tank of goldfish near the front door provides visitors with a handy snack
5) Flypaper hung in a long hallway creates a no-fly zone
6) Soft colors, candles and flowers keep the cats from multiplying
7) Objects in the bedroom should be placed downwind to increase marital bliss
8) The bed should be in full view of the door, but not blocking the chickens from coming in and out
9) In the kitchen, using all stove burners increases the flow of septic clogs
10) Placing a mirror behind the stove doubles the septic flow
11) Raccoon pelts hung from exposed beams prevents tooth decay
12) Fumes from dead rodents under the floorboards expand the perception of space

To live a long and fruitful life, Redneck Shui your abode -- the harmony of your surroundings will surely bring contentment to your being. Plus, it will minimize the flow of visitors.

Whenever I mingle with the public, I hang a clove of garlic around my neck and wear a hat made from road-kill. This has been very helpful in minimizing the flow of ex-wives.
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Quote for the Day -- “If you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice, you might be a redneck.” Jeff Foxworthy
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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and they both use the same tree. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
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