Saturday, July 25, 2009

Gender Patterns

A woman is like a TV remote control. She gives a man pleasure and he'd be lost without her. And while he doesn't often know which buttons to push, he keeps trying anyway.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out as raw grapes, then a woman comes along and stomps all the juice out of him until he turns into something acceptable enough to have dinner with.

Men and women are different. This is something I learned in second grade, and I was a slow learner.

A man named John Gray, Ph.D., wrote a book a few years ago titled MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. It became a best-seller, suggesting that relationships would be better if we acknowledged and accepted gender differences.

Perhaps I wasn't a slow learner after all – perhaps the rest of the world was merely reality impaired.

Gray points out that a woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships, while a man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. A woman is fulfilled by talking about her problems, while a man is fulfilled by solving a problem.

I may not have a Ph.D., but I have enough common sense to have only one ex-wife and no need to repeat the same mistake.

I was married to Miss Right. Unfortunately, I didn't know her first name was Always.

Each gender has a cultural pattern. If a woman doesn't come home one night and tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house, the man will call his wife's friends and none of them will know anything about it. But if a man doesn't come home one night and tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house, the woman will call her husband's friends and all of them will say he did sleep over, and three of them will claim he's still there.

Norah Vincent is a 5' 10" lesbian from New York. She is also a journalist. With a new buzz haircut, baggy men's clothing, a sports bra (to flatten her breasts), a padded jock strap, some five-o'-clock shadow makeup and extensive vocal training, she transformed herself into the facsimile of a man named Ned Vincent.

Norah/Ned then spent 18 months observing what men were really like when hanging around with other men.

This experiment included joining a men's bowling league, going to strip joints with the guys and participating in a men-only camping retreat. She chronicled her eye-opening experiences in a book titled SELF MADE MAN.

During the 18 month saga, Ned also managed to go on about 30 dates with other women.

She claimed the pressure of being a man having to prove himself to a woman was grueling and that dating women wasn't much fun. She believes female sexuality is mental but for a man it's an urge.

No kidding.

Shopping for a new car at a dealership was another revelation. In the past, as Norah, the salesman's pitch quickly turned flirtatious, but as Ned the tone was all business and the talk centered on the car's performance.

And when a man opens a car door for a woman, it's either a new car or a new woman.

Norah was surprised to see that men struggled with vulnerability. "They don't get to show the weakness, they don't get to show the affection, especially with each other. And so often all their emotions are shown in rage."

Yes indeed, men and women differ emotionally. When a woman is miffed, she will either eat or go shopping. Men will invade another country.

For a woman, communication is sharing of feelings with one's partner. For a man, communication is leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip.

For a woman, being vulnerable means opening up one's inner self emotionally to others. For a man, being vulnerable means playing football without a cup.

Personally, I want a woman who is honest and one who has a good sense of humor and one who is a good worker and one who will admire me. Naturally, it's important these four women don't know each other.

If you have a good partner, you'll be happy.

If you have a bad partner, you'll become a philosopher.

Quote for the Day – "You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy." Erica Jong

Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and occasionally has an urge to invade another country, like Sweden or Brazil or Kentucky. His blogs appear on several websites, including

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