Today, February 2nd, is Groundhog Day. This is the day when
grown men and women congregate outside of rodent burrows and wait patiently for
a groundhog named Punxsutawney
Phil to emerge.
If the groundhog sees its shadow on this day, legend has it
that there will be six more weeks of winter.
If the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, it either means it
will be an early spring or the groundhog was too busy gawking at the people who
were gawking at it to notice.
In 2016 -- No shadow -- there will be an early spring.
There are many other holidays involving rodents but few
people pay much attention to them.
WOODCHUCK DAY. Woodchuck is another name for a groundhog.
Lumberjacks celebrate this holiday exactly seven weeks after Groundhog Day,
when enough time has passed for the woodchuck to get a bit frisky after a
winter of hibernation. On this day, lumberjacks from Maine
to Oregon
stalk woodchucks to see how much wood a woodchuck chucks, if a woodchuck could
chuck wood.
SQUIRREL DAY. This is the first day of warm weather in the
coming year when squirrels emerge from their nests to check on their nuts.
Having spent much of the fall season squirreling away nuts by burying them in
strategic places near their domicile, they must take an inventory every spring
to make sure their nuts are all present and accounted for. This holiday is
observed mostly by accountants, warehouse managers and store clerks by
conducting a complete inventory on that day, then taking the rest of the week
off to celebrate and cook the books.
GOPHER DAY. This holiday comes at the end of the college
football season. Primarily observed by the alumni of the University of Minnesota,
it only occurs if the Golden Gophers have a winning season and have managed to
avoid NCAA probation for recruiting violations at the same time. Thus, this
holiday is only celebrated once or twice a decade, making it a very special
occasion for former Golden Gophers everywhere.
SEWER RAT DAY. This is strictly a local holiday for
residents of New York City and Newark. Depending on the temperature and
humidity, Sewer Rat Day can occur anytime in the late summer, usually in early
August. This is the day when the highest concentration of rats emerges from the
sewer systems to taunt the citizens of their respective cities. This is also a
very special day for pest control companies and alley cats.
MUSKRAT DAY. A muskrat is basically a slippery rat that
lives in or near water. Consequently, Muskrat Day is celebrated by slippery
people who live clandestinely along rivers and pay no taxes. This holiday is
observed on April 15, when federal taxes are due. The celebration includes
drinking tax-free moonshine and taking an annual bath.
SWAMP RAT DAY. A swamp rat is basically a slippery rat that
lives in a swamp. Consequently, Swamp Rat Day is observed by slippery people
who live clandestinely in the middle of a swamp and pay no taxes. This holiday
occurs after the first sign of frog mating season. It’s celebrated by drinking
tax-free moonshine and kissing a loved one or a frog, whichever croaks the
loudest.
BEAVER DAY. Dam engineers across the nation celebrate this
occasion, always the first day in the early winter when the beaver has
completed construction of its dam for that year and goes into hibernation. Most
dam engineers have been in hibernation since 1939, when construction of the
last of the great dams was completed. Rumor has it that some of the more
militant dam engineers have formed a secret society that is scheming to create
another mighty river system in a secluded location where no one will notice
until it has been completed, somewhere like North Dakota or behind the Dick Cheney
Library.
MOUSE WEEK. Timid people everywhere celebrate this holiday
that coincides with Mardi Gras. Although the festivities are always very quiet,
it’s the only rodent holiday that lasts more than one day. Timid people have a
hard time releasing their emotions but once they do it lasts for a whole week.
They dine on crumbs and avoid cats for seven days. Then they apologize for
their outburst, usually to a goldfish or a potted plant, and shrink back into
their comfortable lives of silent despair, patiently waiting for the day when
the meek shall inherit the earth.
___________
Quote for the Day – “It always rains on tents.
Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the
opportunity to rain on a tent.” Dave Barry
___________
Bret Burquest is the author of 11 books. He
lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and where if you don't like the
weather, just wait a few minutes.
___________
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