In 2001, I started writing weekly columns for the local
newspaper in Salem, Arkansas and I also started teaching computer courses at
Ozarka College in Melbourne, Arkansas. The year turned out to be a year of
surprises, especially in September as I was beginning my college teaching gig.
The following is a recap of my life in 2001 (from a column I
wrote in December of 2001).
JANUARY:
The Presidential election was so close it was still being debated during the
inauguration. The Democrats had presented us with a man from Tennessee who had
the charisma of a hickory tree and falsely claimed he had invented the
Internet. The Republicans countered with the only man in Texas who had no
personality and managed to get through life with a vocabulary of about 85 words.
In the end, the voters did the best they could to make sure neither one of them
won – they made it a tie. After much political wrangling and a close
examination of dimpled chads, one of them won anyway.
FEBRUARY:
My fourth novel was published. After years of writing and a ton of rejection
letters, all four of my novels were now in print. For a long time, I wondered
if it would ever happen. While they aren’t on any best-seller list (yet), I’m
genuinely surprised I actually managed to pull it off.
MARCH:
I began writing a weekly newspaper column for THE NEWS in Salem. Surprise #1 --
they actually published it. Surprise #2 – they continue to publish it. Surprise
#3 – I never ran out of things to say.
APRIL:
Doing my federal taxes cost me about 10 hours of lost time and gave me a
massive headache. The surprise was that I managed to get through it without
having to consult a tax accountant or a clinical psychologist.
MAY:
It rained quite a bit and everything turned green, including several fuzzy
items on the lower shelf of my refrigerator. The surprise came when one of the
fuzzy green items in my refrigerator sprouted legs and began to move. I think
it was either a cucumber or some guacamole dip. I shot it twice and threw it in
the woods.
JUNE:
The chiggers made their annual pilgrimage to my country estate. While this
wasn’t a big surprise, they were a bit more organized this year. They posted a
schedule of my daily activities and set up a buffet line near my back porch.
JULY:
It was a dull, hot month. The surprise was that it turned out to be the only
month without a surprise.
AUGUST:
After more than 30 years as a computer programmer and consultant, I accepted a
position as a college instructor. This may not be a surprise to the rest of the
world, but it was a big surprise to me.
SEPTEMBER:
A bunch of crazed terrorists surprised the whole world when they attacked the
World Trade Center and the Pentagon without warning or regard for human life.
Apparently, these malicious jerks had this overwhelming desire that every man
on the planet wear a towel on their head and keep their women indoors at all
times. They were led by a man named Osama who has five wives and a brain the
size of a walnut. Of course I’m just guessing, but I assume anyone with five
wives must have a brain the size of a walnut.
OCTOBER:
A disgruntled, trigger-happy neighbor shot and killed my dog. It was a stunning
surprise since I had never been forewarned that my dog was causing a problem.
The second surprise came when the shooter denied knowing it was my dog even
though he had dumped the carcass over onto my side of the fence.
NOVEMBER:
My father fell off a ladder and landed on his head. He chose to do this on a
day my mother was out of town and we were under a tornado watch. I drove him
down to an emergency room in Batesville, during one of the most violent
thunderstorms in recent memory, where 21 staples were inserted into the back of
his head. While this accident was not so unusual, the surprise was that he is
now more coherent than before.
DECEMBER:
The stock market recovered to previous levels that had existed prior to the
September terrorist attack. My ex-wife paid $600 for a cat with a terminal
illness. A band of thugs in Afghanistan were hiding in caves like a pack of
cornered rats. I’ve been approached to do a computer programming contract for a
firm in Memphis. Miami and Nebraska are headed for the Rose Bowl. My new dog
threw up in my shoe. Surprises come in all forms, including chunky liquids.
At least I survived another year. At my age, this is always
a surprise.
On September 11 of 2001, a group of terrorists leveled the
twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City and destroyed a portion
of the Pentagon Building in Washington, DC. Whatever their motivation might
have been, it was strong enough for them to give up their lives in the process.
Thousands of innocent people perished simply because crazed
madmen wanted to make a point. It’s difficult to put into words but suffice it
to say that this heinous act of inhumanity has reminded the entire world once
again that evil still exists in the dark corners of humanity.
It’s a mistake, however, to call it an act of cowardice.
It takes great courage, and an enormous amount of disregard
for human life, to give up your life for a cause you deeply believe in. Plus,
it’s obvious that a great deal of planning and coordination went into it. That’s
what makes fanatics like this so dangerous.
The other thing that makes them so dangerous is that they
are clearly deranged.
These narrow-minded bigots believe they are the good guys
and are willing to kill anyone who disagrees with them to prove it. Apparently,
they want everyone on this planet to be just like them or dead.
Destroying buildings and killing innocent people is not a
very good way to sway public opinion to your cause, therefore it must be
assumed that these imbeciles wish to destroy us.
Basically, war has been declared on the United States by a
bunch of zealous scumbags who don’t even have enough courage to crawl out from
under a rock and announce their intentions.
All of our military might is useless against a small pocket
of unknown terrorists who strike without warning and are willing to die for
their cause.
This entire operation could have been planned and carried
out by less than 20 people. In all probability, less than 100 people were
involved.
America is a work in progress -- we are far from perfect,
having numerous internal struggles taking place continuously. But in a time of
crisis, we as a nation pull together, determined not to allow the senseless
acts of others to affect our way of life.
This country was founded on a set of noble ideals and is a
beacon of freedom in a world littered with countries controlled by tyrants.
We believe in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
We believe in government of the people, by the people and
for the people.
We will not allow the insanity of others to alter our
course.
The character of America can be seen in those who lined up,
for as long as six hours in some places, to give blood and in the rescue
workers on the scene who worked frantically to help the injured victims. A
nation of caring souls will never be brought to its knees by acts of cruelty.
If the terrorists thought they would upset us, they probably
succeeded.
If they thought we would suffer, it will be short-lived.
If they thought they would divide this nation, they were sadly
mistaken.
If they thought we would bow to their demands, they were
living in a fantasy world.
If they thought they would get away with it, I suspect every
last one of them will soon be turned into vapor and the ground they’re standing
on will become an instant parking lot.
If they thought some good would come out of it, it
definitely will because they’ll be occupying a bench in a far corner of Hell,
next to the boiler, scratching their wooden heads, wondering what they did to
deserve such a fate.
Hell will be a little more crowded but the world will be a
better place.
___________
Quote for the Day -- "There can never be
surprises in logic." Ludwig Wittgenstein
___________
Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives
in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and sometimes even surprises
himself.
___________
-
-
No comments:
Post a Comment