Saturday, April 13, 2013

Avoiding the Bustle of Life

A friend sent me the following item that appeared in THE ATLANTA JOURNAL in the “singles ads” section.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companion, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call (404) XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

NOTE: Over 15,000 men called the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

* * *

New York City has an open-container law prohibiting alcohol in parks and beaches. On July 4, police rousted people on Rockaway Beach in Brooklyn who were drinking beer at a fund-raiser for a memorial to World Trade Center victims. The following week, police failed to issue a single citation as thousands of people sipped wine in Central Park and Prospect Park as they listened to the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.

Michael Bloomberg, New York City’s billionaire Mayor, attended the concert and afterward defended this obvious hypocrisy. He felt it was perfectly acceptable for his crowd (the hotsy-totsy elite) to drink wine in a public park but “more dangerous” for others (the lower class barbarians) to drink beer at a public beach.

NOTE: A constitutional guarantee of equality doesn’t mean that some people are more equal than others. We’re all in this together. Either obey the law or change the law. You can’t have it both ways.

* * *

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University in St. Paul, Minn., has compiled the following statistics about the 2000 Presidential election, one of the closest elections in history.

1) States won: Gore = 19, Bush = 29
2) Square miles of country won: Gore = 580,000, Bush = 2,427,000
3) Population by counties won: Gore = 127 million,  Bush = 143 million
4) Murder (per 100,000 residents) in counties won: Gore = 13.2, Bush = 2.1

Professor Olson also pointed out that Bush received most of the votes where the people owned the land whereas Gore fared better in big cities and among those who were the most reliant on government assistance.

NOTE: It may have been a close election, but there seems to be a clear divide between city and country folk.

* * *

Speaking of country folks, north Arkansas is a great place to live primarily because it’s far off the beaten path. People in this area live a simple live void of the hustle and bustle of big cities. Actually, there’s a bit of hustle on occasion but rarely any bustle. There are some phrases you don’t often hear in these parts:

1) I picked up some Brie and a bottle of pinot noir for the Super Bowl.
2) Honey, did you mail that contribution to the Spotted Owl Foundation?
3) We should take the taxidermist off the speed dial.
4) Please pass the quiche.
5) Who is Jack Daniels?
6) I’d better get a new muffler for the pickup before I disturb the neighbors.
7) Does this necktie go with this shirt?
8) I’ll take Medieval Literature for 800, Alex.

* * *

Quote for the Day -- "Life is like riding a bicycle -- to keep your balance, you must keep moving." Albert Einstein

Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where bustle moves at the speed of slow.


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