Wednesday, January 30, 2019

The Y2K Bug



I spent 8 months working on a computer programming contract in Memphis in 1999, leading up to the potential disaster known in the computer industry as Y2K.

There were lots of rumors about what might happen if the problem couldn’t be resolved.

Some of the myths included:

  • All microwave ovens and toasters will explode on 1/1/00

  • We will be required to dress in 1900 fashion

  • It’s all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy

  • World War III will be triggered by an essay on Global Warning written by a third grader from New Jersey

  • A new number system, excluding the number six, will be imposed by Congress to prevent the arrival of the 666 Beast of Revelations

  • Computers will refer to human beings as U2X Bugs

  • Microsoft will win the next four Super Bowls

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During this short-term contract, the manager occasionally headed for my tiny office to check on my progress. As an outside contractor, I was stationed in the last office in a row of tiny offices, near the restrooms. As he was passing down the row of offices, he noticed that the employee occupying the office next to mine was asleep at his desk. It was a rather embarrassing moment for both of them.

Things to say if caught sleeping at your desk:

  • Actually, this is part of the Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) that I learned in the last mandatory time management seminar you had me attend

  • Darn… I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem

  • They told me at the blood bank this might happen

  • I was trying to pick up my contact lens without smudging it with my fingers

  • Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

  • Amen

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Life is what happens when you can't sleep.
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Quote for the Day – "Artificial intelligence is no match for human stupidity." Albert Einstein
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Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and where bugs require no maintenance.
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Friday, January 25, 2019

The Ice Beast



 January 2019 is the 10th anniversary of a significant event that occurred in my corner of the world -- the following piece is a newspaper column I wrote once my electricity had been restored

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The Ice Beast

Life is like an unorthodox teacher -- you get the test first and the lesson comes later.

During the evening of January 26, 2009, my region of the country was having a severe ice storm. Ice was forming on trees, causing them to literally explode as large branches were falling, trees were splitting down the middle and some were toppling from the root.

Power lines in Arkansas, Missouri, Tennessee and Kentucky were ravaged. My utility company reported 32,000 out of 37,000 households were without electricity. The four utility poles in the line across the road from my property had been destroyed. In northern Arkansas, over 6,000 utility poles had to be replaced.

My driveway was blocked by three large fallen trees and a large branch had collapsed on my van rendering it stationary. I was without electricity (my only source of heat) and running water, and my phone lines were dead.

The temperatures dipped into the low 20s and teens over the next several days. The temperature inside my place dropped into the 30s at night.

I had plenty of stored food, water and whiskey on hand, but no alternative heating source.

I spent the first three days trying to stay warm under some quilts by candle light in my smallest room. My dog threw off some body heat as well. It was an eerily quiet time for staring out windows all day and staring at walls at night, and contemplating my existence.

Then on day four, I started thinking about my grandfather and Hugh Glass.

My grandfather was a very rugged, independent guy who had a plaque on his wall that read, "I felt sorry for myself when I had no shoes until the day I saw a man with no feet."

It was obvious the electricity would not be restored soon, so I decided to stop waiting for help and do something about it. Since my chainsaw was electric, I started sawing by hand on the fallen trees in my driveway. The wood was green and wet, making hand-sawing nearly impossible because it kept pinching the blade.

It took two full days to clear a path, thanks to a guy who lives down the road and drove by and helped me with the big pieces with his chainsaw.

Then I had to clear the hanging branch from my van and move it out of there. Unfortunately, the only place I could move it was where it got stuck in some deep mud with no room for maneuvering. I couldn't get it out for many more days until the mud dried.

After 17 days of struggling and hunkering down, my electricity was restored on February 11.

It took another three days to repair my running water system because of frozen pipes that had cracked.

Hugh Glass was my inspiration through much of the ordeal. He was a mountain man, fur trader and honorary Pawnee in the early 1800s.

In 1823, Glass was with an expedition party of 13 mountain men in the Dakotas whereupon he was off by himself scouting for game and was attacked by a Grizzly bear. He fought it with his knife and the bear was eventually killed with the help of his partners, Jim Bridger and John Fitzgerald.

Glass was badly injured. He had a broken leg, gashes on his back exposing his ribs and remained unconscious.

The expedition party determined Glass would soon die.

Bridger and Fitzgerald volunteered to remain behind and bury Glass when he expired, as the expedition party moved on toward the valley of the Yellowstone.

While Fitzgerald and Bridger were digging the grave, a band of hostile Arikara Indians appeared. Fitzgerald and Bridger quickly grabbed Glass's rifle, knife and equipment, and high-tailed it out of there.

When they caught up with the expedition party, they reported that Glass had died.

At some point, Glass regained consciousness. No weapons, no equipment, abandoned by his partners.

First, he set his broken leg.

All of his deep gashes were festering, potentially turning to gangrene, so he laid his wounded back on a rotting log allowing maggots to eat the dead flesh.

The nearest settlement was Fort Kiowa on the Missouri River, some 200 miles away. Glass wrapped himself in a bear hide that was intended to be his burial shroud and began crawling toward the south.

Glass survived on wild berries and roots. On one occasion he drove two wolves away from a dead animal carcass and consumed some meat.

It took him six weeks to reach the Cheyenne River, where he fashioned a raft and floated down the river, eventually reaching Fort Kiowa.

After a long recuperation, Glass set out to have an unfriendly chat with Bridger and Fitzgerald.

He eventually encountered Bridger near the mouth of the Bighorn River on the Yellowstone.

But Bridger was only 17 years old at the time of the incident, thus Glass forgave him.

Later, he found Fitzgerald. But Fitzgerald had joined the U.S. Army, so Glass refrained from killing him. Killing a soldier would lead to a death sentence. However, he did retrieve his missing rifle from Fitzgerald.

In the winter of 1833, Hugh Glass and two other mountain men were killed by Arikara Indians on the Yellowstone River.

A few months later, some fur trappers recognized Hugh Glass's rifle in the hands of an Arikara Indian who was trying to pass himself off as a friendly Minitaris Indian, whereupon he was swiftly dispatched to the Happy Hunting Ground in the Sky.

So I figured if Hugh Glass could travel 200 miles by crawling overland wrapped in a bear skin for 6 weeks with a broken leg, then build a raft and float down a river, surely I could survive without electricity and running water for 17 days.

The glory of existence is not what happens to you -- it's what you do when it happens.
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Quote for the Day – "When you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill
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Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a couple of dogs and where electricity is a very handy item.
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Sunday, December 9, 2018

The White Buffalo




The Lakota Sioux are a nation of Native Americans who roamed the northern plains in and around the Black Hills of South Dakota.

They have a prophecy known as the White Buffalo Calf Woman.

According to the prophecy, two warriors were out hunting buffalo, approximately 2,000 years ago, when they spotted a white buffalo calf. As they approached the calf, it turned into a beautiful young Indian girl.

One of the warriors had bad thoughts in his mind. The Indian girl told him to step forward whereupon a black cloud came over his body. When the black cloud disappeared, the warrior with bad thoughts had no more flesh or blood on his bones.

The other warrior kneeled and prayed. The Indian girl told him to tell his people that she would bring them a sacred bundle in four days.

So the warrior went back to his people and told the elders. Then all the Lakota people gathered in a circle and the warrior told them what the Indian girl had instructed him to say.

On the fourth day, a cloud came down from the sky and off stepped a white buffalo calf.

As it reached the earth, it stood up and became a beautiful young woman, carrying a sacred bundle.

The woman spent four days among the Lakota people, teaching them the seven sacred ceremonies.

1) The purification ceremony of the sweat lodge
2) The child naming ceremony
3) The healing ceremony
4) The making of relatives or adoption ceremony
5) The marriage ceremony
6) The vision quest
7) The sun dance ceremony

As long as the Lakota people performed these ceremonies, they would remain caretakers of the land.

Then the beautiful woman left, the same way as she arrived, vowing to someday return for the sacred bundle.

The sacred bundle, known as the White Buffalo Calf Pipe, has been passed down from generation to generation of Lakota and is kept in a sacred place on an Indian reservation in South Dakota.

The White Buffalo Calf Woman also made several prophecies upon her departure.

One of these prophecies was that the birth of a white buffalo would be a sign that it would be near the time of her return. And upon her return, she would purify the world, bringing harmony, balance and spirituality back to the earth, and all the races of man would live in peace.

A white buffalo calf is projected to be a one in 10 million occurrence. These are about the same odds as finding the lost Ark of the Covenant in a Dumpster behind the convenience store in Toad Suck, Arkansas.

In August of 1994, a white buffalo was born in Janesville, Wisconsin. Although this event excited many Native American at the time, this particular buffalo was actually born red and later turned white.

On May 22, 2004, a white buffalo calf came into this world at the Spirit Mountain Ranch near Flagstaff, Arizona. This ranch has successfully bred three generations of white buffalo, As of the spring of 2008 their herd consists of 11 white buffalo.

On May 31, 2008, a white buffalo calf was born in Jamestown, North Dakota. Plus, several other white buffalo have come into existence over the last decade.

Peace on earth seems like a hard nut to crack these days. Too many people are determined to force their way of life on others, through coercion and violence.

Ultimately, those who live by the sword, die by the sword.

Unfortunately, it creates a bloody mess for the rest of us caught in the middle.

You can’t change the world -- you can only change yourself.

Peace on earth starts with patience and grace, and treating others the way you want to be treated.

For the Lakota people, peace on earth starts with a white buffalo.

Mi taku oyasin -- We are all related (Lakota proverb).
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Quote for the Day – “It is not necessary for eagles to be crows.” Sitting Bull
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Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and where peace is a state of mind.
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Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Humorous Errors on Student Essays



Some students have a way of writing things in a slightly different manner than intended, as demonstrated in the following excerpts from tests and essays of eight graders through college, complied by Richard Lederer, a teacher in St Paul.

  • The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

  • The Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

  • The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created by an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

  • Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

  • Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

  • Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

  • In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

  • It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

  • The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.

  • Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event that ended her reign.

  • The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the Pilgrims. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

  • Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats together. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

  • Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable when apples are falling off the trees.

  • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in the attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

  • Handel was a great composer. He was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

  • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

  • The nineteenth century was a time of many inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

  • William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

  • The sun never sets on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

  • Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.
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Quote for the Day – "Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness." Woody Allen
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Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and is a former college instructor (among other things) who has long ago achieved oneness, but still working on twoness.
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