Advice to Dimwits

A recent article in a local Sunday newspaper asked several teen-agers what they would include if there was such a thing as a “Teen Bill of Rights” -- confirming my suspicions that most young people are about as clueless as a bag of horse feathers about the real world The girls in the survey all came up with clever thoughts, while most of the boys gave cutesy-pie answers, no doubt meant to amuse one and all, revealing their underlying fear and loathing about having to someday confront the dire reality of adulthood. As a semi-responsible adult (except during full moons), I felt obligated to share my vast wisdom with these young male dimwits. ANSWER from a 17 year-old male from Maryland – “No cruel and unusual punishment, such as cleaning up what the pet left behind or throwing out the garbage.” ADVICE TO LAZY BONES -- If you can’t take care of a pet, you don’t deserve a pet. If you need a pet to get through life, I suggest a pet rock. And if you think throwing out the garbage is a big deal, just shove it under your bed or stick it in your closet. Most of it will rot and disappear over time, much like your first three marriages. ANSWER from a 19 year-old male from Texas – “The right to start over. When people mess up, they are judged by that forever. Everyone deserves the chance to start again.” ADVICE TO SCREWBALL -- You’re obviously a walking disaster. You have two choices in life. You can either move to another state every time you mess up, probably often, or remain where you are and live with a reputation as being a local screwball. The good news is that there are 50 states (unless you took the same Geography course as President Obama, in which case there are 57 states). Once you’ve been chased out of all of them you should consider living on a raft somewhere near Greenland. If you choose to stick it out in one place, you may automatically get a fresh start anyway by becoming an eccentric. Of course, you’ll need to grow a long beard, avoid bathing and talk mostly to yourself to achieve this status. By the way, very few people care if you mess up, unless you mess up on them. None of us are perfect, so don’t expect others (including yourself) to be perfect either. ANSWER from 20 year-old male from Texas – “The right to have something to eat and something to wear, and have a helping hand when we need one.” ADVICE TO HELPLESS -- Having a right to everything you desire will cost you everything you have. It’s called socialism, an insidious idea that enslaves everyone involved, especially people who think the world owes them something simply because they exist. If you believe others owe you, they’ll end up owning you. If you believe you are entitled to the earnings of others, you are a pathetic greedy thief. I suggest you figure out a way to survive, such as getting a job or starting a business, instead of hoping to attach yourself to the gains of others. ANSWER from the same 20 year-old male from Texas – “The freedom of not worrying.” ADVICE #2 TO HELPLESS -- You are a carbon-base form of random life residing on a large spinning orb rotating around a small sun in a far corner of an average galaxy. The decision to worry is up to you. To expect government to grant such a freedom is a form of insanity. Clearly you need someone else, like a wife or a cat, to do your thinking for you. ANSWER from an 18 year-old male from California – “The right to have fun.” ADVICE TO PARTY ANIMAL -- I suspect your version of having fun means lots of mindless juvenile activity accompanied by excessively loud music. Have all the fun you want as long as you don’t spoil life for others, such as neighbors. Fun for you may not be fun for those who are forced to endure your inconsiderate antics. ANSWER from an 18 year-old male from Louisiana – “The right not to pay taxes until we’re old enough to vote.” ADVICE TO PUZZLED TAXPAYER -- Congratulations. You’ve noticed that our national government is exceedingly costly and grossly unfair. On the positive side, it’s also very inefficient thereby taking forever to get things done. You have four alternatives. You can accept things as they are, or try to change things for the better, or ignore things and hope they go away, or remain frustrated the rest of your life. I’ve tried all four and none of them seem to work for me. "Maturity is to be able to stick with a job until it is finished, to be able to bear an injustice without having to get even, to be able to carry money without spending it, to do your duty without being supervised." Ann Landers ___________ Quote for the Day – "Go, and never darken my towels again." Groucho Marx ___________ Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and where the real world is often elsewhere. ___________ - -

The Day the Music Died

On February 3, 1959, a small airplane crashed in a field near Clear Lake, Iowa. The pilot and his passengers, Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson, all perished. It was the day the music died. "I can't remember if I cried... When I read about his widowed bride... But something touched me deep inside... The day the music died." (from American Pie by Don McLean) A group of rock 'n roll bands, known as the The Winter Dance Party, was in the middle of a three-week tour covering 24 cities in Wisconsin, Minnesota and Iowa. On February 2, they had performed at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake and were scheduled to perform at the Armory in Moorhead, Minnesota, the following evening. Buddy Holly had grown tired of riding the bus and decided to charter a flight to Moorhead. There was room for three passengers in the single engine plane -- his two band mates, Tommy Allsup and Waylon Jennings. Richardson had the flu and asked Waylon Jennings for his seat on the plane. Jennings agreed to do it. When Holly found out about it, he told Jennings, "Well, I hope your bus freezes up." Jennings replied, "Well, I hope your plane crashes." Though the remarks were made in jest, Jennings was haunted by the incident for years. Richie Valens then asked Allsup for his seat. They flipped a coin. Valens won the seat and sealed his fate. The plane went down a mere five miles from the airport. It struck the ground at 170 mph. The three main attractions of The Winter Dance Party were thrown from the wreckage and on their way to rock 'n roll heaven. "And as the flames climbed high into the night... To light the sacrificial rite... I saw Satan laughing with delight... The day the music died." (from American Pie by Don McLean) But the show must go on. Dion & The Belmonts (the fourth headliner) and Frankie Sardo finished the entire tour, but Bobby Vee & The Shadows left the troupe after the Moorhead performance. Fabian, Frankie Avalon and Jimmy Clanton were brought in as the new headliners. Ronnie Smith took over as vocalist for The Crickets. Buddy Holly (1936-1959), singer and songwriter, was considered to be one of the pioneers of rock 'n roll. He's ranked #13 on Rolling Stone Magazine's list of 100 Greatest Artists of All Time. Ritchie Valens (1941-1959) was a Mexican-American (and part Yaqui Indian) from Los Angeles. His music career had just begun, lasting only eight months. His songs "La Bomba" and "Donna" were huge hits. J.P. Richardson (1930-1959) was a disc jockey, known as The Big Bopper. He had a rich voice and an exuberant personality. He recorded a song called "Chantilly Lace" and soon became a one-hit wonder. Having given up his seat to Richardson, Waylon Jennings (1937-2002) went on to become a successful country singer. He, along with Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash, started the "outlaw country" movement. Buddy Holly's revolver was found by a farmer plowing the field in April of 1959. An autopsy performed on the pilot and the Coroner's examination of the four bodies failed to find a bullet wound. On March 7, 2007, a forensic examination of the remains of the Big Bopper, requested by his son, put certain rumors of foul play to rest. A decade after the accident, Don McLean wrote and recorded the song AMERICAN PIE – the classic music tribute to Buddy Holly. The song is also a parable on how music changed in the 1960s with the loss of pure rock and the coming of non-danceable pop music (The Beatles, etc.) and folk music (Bob Dylan, etc.). American Pie was a stunning achievement in songwriting; layered with meaning, innuendo, and a fascinating historical perspective of a musical era. The rocking 1950s had ended and the helter skelter of the 1960s rolled in. Various interpretations of the lyrics of American Pie can be found on the Internet, from the obvious meanings all the way down to what Billy Joe McAllister threw off the Tallahatchie Bridge. "And the three men I admire most... The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost... They caught the last train for the coast... The day the music died." (from American Pie by Don McLean) Of course, the music didn't really die in the winter of 1959 -- it died when they invented Rap and Hip-Hop. On January 28, 2009, the 50th anniversary of the Winter Dance Party held a tribute concert in the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa, where Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens played their final concert. Sirius XM Radio host Cousin Brucie was the emcee. Some of the entertainers included Los Lobos, Graham Nash, Los Lonely Boys, Wanda Jackson, Tommy Allsup, Bobby Vee, Joe Ely and others. One of my old high school classmates named Greg, along with the ghost of Waylon Jennings, were in attendance. But I couldn't make it that year. I had an appointment to have my legs waxed. Bye, Bye Miss American Pie. ___________ Quote for the Day – "Yesterday is just a memory, tomorrow is never what it's supposed to be." Bob Dylan ___________ Bret Burquest is the author of 12 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and where music is a way of life. ___________ - -